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Christmas

Walmart Layaway

September 16, 2014 by robertforto Leave a Comment

 

It’s that time of year again. Walmart layaway!

Just when you thought it was safe to shop on every other day of the year EXCEPT that Friday after you have gorged yourself on bird, the worlds largest retailer has brought back memories of Christmas past when you could load up a cart and take it to the back of the store and pay with change you found in the couch. Well, at least figuratively.

I remember those days back in the 1970s when my mom loaded us kids up in the family truckerster and head across the river to the K-Mart store in Chesapeake, Ohio.

It was a day trip back then. It wasn’t a quick stop to the neighborhood corporate behemoth like it is today. We would almost always go with the Dunn’s from down the street…

Ah, the Dunn’s. Dovie, the mom of the clan reminds me of Janis Joplin in bellbottom cords and flip-flops. Greasy, dirty (and I mean dirty) blonde hair and breath that reeked of Virginia Slims. Her husband Scott terrified me. When I went over to “play” he was always laying on a flowered davenport encased in fabric so rough it would give you rug burn. He would lay there in his cut-off jeans shorts and nothing else. He would prop one of those tall, glass bottles of Pepsi on his wide girth of a belly.

I was smitten with Michelle. Mitchy to her friends and forlorn prepubescent suitors like me. She was a year older than I and looked like Marcia Brady to me. Well, not really. She always had a rats-nest of hair that seemed to always be tangled and she wore terry cloth sorts and tube tops and sandals with socks pulled to her knees.

Then there was Cathy. This little girl was three or four years my junior, about the same age as my brother, Ryan. This girl had a set of lungs on her like you wouldn’t believe. Every time I met her she would round the corner at the top of the stairs and start to cry that would lather into a scream. Within minutes she would embattle herself under the dining room table amongst a gaggle of half eaten Frito’s, long forgotten Legos and brussel sprout or two. She would stay there until we were long gone.

This was in West Virginia. Yes, that place. Does that not explain things? No? You have never been there then.

Back to the K-Mart adventure. As we entered this fotress of solitude, bookmarked by Waldenbooks and a Radio Shack, we entered into a world only known by those of the middle class with little discretionary income. In the 70s it was a big deal to get out. It was an even bigger deal to have to traverse the unknowns and cross state lines to get there. As we grabbed our buggy, that’s what my mom always called them, us kids scattered like flies with mom or Dovie screaming, “meet us at the cafeteria for lunch in an hour!”

Amongst omnipresent announcements of blue light specials and Victoria Principal displays, us kids grabbed toys, school supplies, jeans made in China, toothbrushes, car batteries, and bags of those disgusting orange peanut candies, onward as we rushed towards the cafeteria for lunch.

At the back of the store we all unloaded our arms of schwag into the buggies and headed around the maze of barriers to the serving line. The cafeteria was a destination when we went to K-Mart. Only on the most special occasions (ie. layaway day) would we get to eat in those hallowed halls.

I would always order the same thing: a burger with mayo and shredded lettuce. With that I would get a cold order of fries and a 16 ounce drink I still had to hold with two hands. As lunch ensued we would disgorge our experiences of the morning shopping extravaganza and patiently wait until all finished their meals.

After lunch we would head over to the layaway desk. In reality it was just a doorway on the back wall, and the clerk in her smock would tally up our wares and collect a meager deposit from mom.

As I look back on our K-Mart layaway experiences it is a funny thing. I do not ever recall ever seeing those purchases we so diligently collected again. I don’t know if they were lost in the vast warehouse in the back of the store or they just never made it home because mom didn’t have money to retrieve them from the Big K. I guess its sort of like binge drinking in college. You know what’s going on when you go in, you know what’s happening for a period of time while its going on, but you just don’t have all the facts when you are done. But, boy it sure was fun!

I think mom might of tipped the clerk-in-the-smock to just push the kids purchases aside. “We won’t be needing those,” she would whisper under her breath and she whisked away an errant feathered bang, pointing to the cap guns, matchbox cars and yes that 12-volt car battery.

So I guess I have truly come full circle. Just the other day I walked into Wally-World and headed to the back of the store. I summoned a blue-smocked clerk, who I assume was working for the company only for its generous dental insurance benefits, and asked for some help. I left empty handed but something with my name on it was left to go “in the back.”

I just hope that by December 15th I have the cash…

Have you ever used layaway? Tell us your experiences.

 

Filed Under: Alaska, Daily Post, Fortos Fort Tagged With: Christmas, Kmart, Layaway, WalMart

Banana bread on a wood stove

December 26, 2012 by robertforto Leave a Comment

It was Christmas Eve and we ran out of propane at Forto’s Fort in Alaska. It has been -20 degrees or worse for more than a month and we frankly forgot to wade through deep snow to check the level on the propane tank. We let it run out. Our fault.

A delivery was made on Christmas Eve and the propane guy said he had to come inside to re-light the pilot lights. Protocol, he said. Our 15 year old daughter, Nicole was home and she let him in. He left in minutes and we thought we were good to go.

Later that night we soon found out that stove wasn’t working AND also found out that there is no pilot light on the stove, but it has an electric ignitor and a gas regulator valve. The dumb-a** from the propane company broke that off!

At least it broke off closed. What does that mean? No stove for the foreseeable future, but what’s worse? No stove for Christmas dinner! No Christmas cookies, Grandma’s fudge or baked potatoes and nasty yams!

I decided among all else; we are having Banana Bread, come hell or high water.

After some searching online I found a recipe on YouTube for Dutch Oven Banana Bread over a campfire.

I had a roaring fire in the wood stove. It was minus twenty degrees outside. Why not go all Grizzly Adams style and cook on that puppy.

Michele and Nicole whipped up the batter and I threw three lumps of coal in the fire to heat them up nice and red.

Within minutes the bread was on the stove in Michele’s brand new Dutch Oven.

 

 

How did we do it?

We poured the batter in a bread pan

Next we made a ring out of aluminum foil and placed that on the bottom of the Dutch Oven, placing the bread pan on top of that. You do this so that the bottom of your bread does not burn from being directly in contact with the hot wood stove top.

We then placed the lid on the dutch oven and made another ring using foil on the lid so that our coals would not slide off.

I fetched the three coals from the fire and placed them on top of the Dutch Oven. This is a crucial step. If you do not have coals on top of the Dutch Oven your bread will not cook evenly and may not rise.

I  covered the coals with a layer of foil to hold in the heat.

We sat back and waited 45 minutes before checking it.

At 45 minutes our bread was still a bit raw in the middle so we let it cook another 15 minutes.

At exactly one hour our bread was done!

We removed the bread pan from the dutch oven and placed the bread on a rack to cool.

Our bread did burn just a little bit on the bottom and we fixed it by shaving off a small slice.

Otherwise our Banana Bread turned out EXCELLENT and our little bit of improvisation turning into a Christmas memory that we will soon not forget!

___________________________

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Filed Under: Alaska, Daily Post, Recipe Rants Tagged With: alaska, Banana Bread, Bread pan, Christmas, forto, Oven, Wood-burning stove, YouTube

As Seen on TV Gift Extravaganza. Day 6: GoJo Phone Holder

December 6, 2012 by robertforto Leave a Comment

Hey wait a minute, now that I am living in the middle of no-where in the Great State of Alaska, the Mall of America, one of my favorite hang outs by the way, is over 4000 miles away, I will be forced to procure gifts by alternate means.

I have been known to order some crazy things in the middle of the night from 1-800 numbers and a guy named Billy on TV, so much so that my wife has hid my wallet on occasion.

[ Rewind: Gifts that NOBODY wants! ]

But this year, I am going to showcase some of the greatest gifts known to exist for sale at 2 am. Yes, my rabid reader, I am going to give you the gift ideas of all gift ideas. So sit back and relax, find those credit cards you stowed away during the Great Recession and warm up your touch-tone (or maybe even rotary dial) phone and order away.

I bring you 25 Days of AS SEEN ON TV GIFT EXTRAVAGANZA!!

I know you are a nerd. You are THAT guy that walks around Costco with your Bluetooth Captain Spock stuck firmly in your ear while you talk to your baby-cakes about what to buy for take out from Changs.

But if you want to be really cool buy yourself a GoJo Phone Holder.

With this All Star hands-free phone holder, you can complete a variety of tasks while answering calls. Two phone holders and 4 suction cups are included, equipping you for hands-free use of both your home phone and cell. The holder slips over your head and adjusts for a comfortable fit, while the suction cups keep your phone firmly attached to the device.

Order yours today– but you’d better hurry Christmas is right around the corner. I bet you can’t wait to see the joy on their faces when they tear open the package and finding a GJo Hands-free phone Holder. Well look at it this way, it’s not a can of Simonize!

Available today for $9.99 (plus shipping and handling, sorry NO C.O.D.’s)

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Filed Under: Alaska, As Seen on TV Gift Extravaganza, Daily Post Tagged With: Business and Economy, Christmas, Costco, Gift, Gift card, mall of america, Shopping, Television

As Seen on TV Gift Extravaganza. Day 5: Shoes Under

December 5, 2012 by robertforto Leave a Comment

Hey wait a minute, now that I am living in the middle of no-where in the Great State of Alaska, the Mall of America, one of my favorite hang outs by the way, is over 4000 miles away, I will be forced to procure gifts by alternate means.

I have been known to order some crazy things in the middle of the night from 1-800 numbers and a guy named Billy on TV, so much so that my wife has hid my wallet on occasion.

[ Rewind: Gifts that NOBODY wants! ]

But this year, I am going to showcase some of the greatest gifts known to exist for sale at 2 am. Yes, my rabid reader, I am going to give you the gift ideas of all gift ideas. So sit back and relax, find those credit cards you stowed away during the Great Recession and warm up your touch-tone (or maybe even rotary dial) phone and order away.

I bring you 25 Days of AS SEEN ON TV GIFT EXTRAVAGANZA!!

Let’s face it guys you are a shoe whore. I know you secretely shop late night on eBay buying BKs, Chucks, Air Jordans and ‘Roos. Now you have a place to stash your fantasy.

Shoes Under

Organize your shoes and maximize your storage space with this shoe storage unit. This fabric unit stores 12 pairs of shoes and slides conveniently under the bed so that your shoes are out of your way but close enough to reach easily.

Order yours today– but you’d better hurry Christmas is right around the corner. I bet you can’t wait to see the joy on their faces when they tear open the package and finding a Shoes Under Well look at it this way, it’s not a can of Simonize!

Available today for $9.95 (plus shipping and handling, sorry NO C.O.D.’s)

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Filed Under: Alaska, As Seen on TV Gift Extravaganza, Daily Post Tagged With: Air Jordan, Christmas, Clothing, eBay, mall of america, Shoe, Shopping, Television

As Seen on TV Gift Extravaganza. Day 4: PJ Jeans

December 4, 2012 by robertforto Leave a Comment

Hey Guys and Gals, its that time of year again– The glorious over-exuberant, hyper-manic Christmas shopping season! If you are like me and love to lavish our loved ones, friends, and family with gifts and hate going to the mall to fight the traffic….

Hey wait a minute, now that I am living in the middle of no-where in the Great State of Alaska, the Mall of America, one of my favorite hang outs by the way, is over 4000 miles away, I will be forced to procure gifts by alternate means.

I have been known to order some crazy things in the middle of the night from 1-800 numbers and a guy named Billy on TV, so much so that my wife has hid my wallet on occasion.

[ Rewind: Gifts that NOBODY wants! ]

But this year, I am going to showcase some of the greatest gifts known to exist for sale at 2 am. Yes, my rabid reader, I am going to give you the gift ideas of all gift ideas. So sit back and relax, find those credit cards you stowed away during the Great Recession and warm up your touch-tone (or maybe even rotary dial) phone and order away.

I bring you 25 Days of AS SEEN ON TV GIFT EXTRAVAGANZA!!

Let’s face it guys you don’t like your lady to look like Skeletor. You don’t mind if she takes a second trip through the buffet at Golden Coral. If this is you then you have to buy this git!

PJ Jeans

Perfect for travel and everyday wear, you?ll look good and be comfy in these stylish PajamaJeans. With super-soft, stretchy material, a modern boot cut and attractive seaming, the PajamaJeans are sure to flatter any figure.

Order yours today– but you’d better hurry Christmas is right around the corner. I bet you can’t wait to see the joy on their faces when they tear open the package and finding a PJ Jeans. Well look at it this way, it’s not a can of Simonize!

Available today for $39.95 (plus shipping and handling, sorry NO C.O.D.’s)

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Filed Under: Alaska, As Seen on TV Gift Extravaganza, Daily Post Tagged With: Christmas, Christmas and holiday season, Gals, Gift, mall of america, Santa Claus, Shopping, Skeletor

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