The old man check-up and no dum-dum’s!

Yep, I am becoming and old man. I had a visit at my doctor’s office today. Not any doc. He is a surfin’, snowboardin’, bleached hair, soul patch wearin’, ultra cool, Internal Medicine doctor.

No, there is nothing wrong with my inner workings so if you are ready to jump on as my primary beneficiary and look to be included in my will let me say first: there is not much for the taking unless you want a 90-hour-work-week -business and a cabin in Alaska that needs A LOT of repairs!

It was just the becoming an old man physical. You see, I don’t like to go to the doctors. My idea of health care is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and possibly an Advil or a Claritin if I get too sneezy.

I can probably count on one hand how many physicals I have had in my life and most of those were required to play sports in little league. I am so adverse to the medical community that I purposely have my family doctor in Denver, 2300 miles from my home, so there is no way he can make a house call. Do they still even do that? 

The whole process started last night when I had to start fasting. I was required to do it for 12 hours. My appointment was until 1:15 PM the next day. So that meant that the feast of frog legs, chicken wings, pulled pork and three shots of Stranahan’s Colorado Whiskey likely could have been my Last Supper.

I knew they were going to the a full blood work up including all the Cholesterol guys (I am guessing that last meal might just skew my numbers a bit), a test to check liver and kidney function, one for diabetes, and the dreaded P.S.A. test.

If you are not familiar with what a P.S.A. Test is, it is either you are not a guy or you are too young to worry about it much. It is a test to see how the ole’ prostate is working (or not). Thank God my doc is not a proctologist! I get to skip that test until I am 50, he says…

The doc and his bevy of “assistants” including the “always there” medical student, poked and prodded, tapped, and listened to every inch of my body. They took a temperature with something that looked like it was from Star Wars across my forehead, used that little finger tip thingy to check my pulse, and made me open up and say ahhhhh. At least I didn’t have to sit there in one of those open-in-the-back-smocks.

They gave me three vaccines using both arms. One for tetanus, the first round of Hepatitis-B series, and a diphtheria shot. I am looking at doing an EMT course and need all of those to even apply. I also need a booster for measles, mumps and something else. I haven’t had any of those shots since I was ten! You will have to look at my permanent record at grade school to find those dates.

They told me as soon as I arrived that I needed to take a U/A. What! I don’t do good at those especially since I haven’t had ANYTHING to drink since the three shots of Stranahan’s at 7 pm last night. I made it happen giving them the bare minimum sample filling it to the little line. That is the best I could do.

After we were all done the doc said I was the picture of health, at least on the outside, meaning that the blood work wouldn’t be back for a couple days. He said, and I quote: “You are just like every other 40 year old American male. You could stand to lose 10 pounds but other than that you are the picture of health.”

Thats reassuring.

I headed to the front desk to collect and pay my bill. Being self employed I have to choose very wisely how I spend my health care dollars. I am not on Obamacare, at least not yet. At this doctor’s office if you choose to pay in cash they give you a 40% discount. That’s how I roll.

I left a little less of a man than when I arrived I think–but I feel pretty good about the whole 30 minute appointment.

But you know what I didn’t get a lollipop! I remember when I was a kid my doctor used to give us those suckers with the stick that was kinda round, like a handle, so you wouldn’t choke on it.

They could have at least had some dum-dum’s available. That’s the only thing I was looking forward to. When I go to the dentist next time he better give me a free toothbrush or I will be highly irate!