New Years Resolutions 2017

It is that time of year again. We made it through the materalistic fiasco that we affectionatly call Christmas and for most of us the new year brings hope and dreams of new found wealth, a healthier lifestyle, goals, to do lists, resolutions and a firm commitment not to ever end up on the next season of the Biggest Loser

Sadly most of those will end before we go back to work after the long holiday break.

I bring your my New Year’s Resoultions for 2017!

  • Most important New Years resolution work more, tweet less. What am I talking about–tweeting IS work!
  • Bowl more so I can justify a pair of those cool shoes.
  • Eat at Subway more and hope to make the Olympic team.
  • Buy my kids a drum set. That will teach them not to text at the table.
  • Join the Columbia House CD program under ALL of my kids names, record the CD’s to iTunes and then sell the CDs to the used record store.
  • Grow my OWN vegetables and invite my mom over for a vegetarian themed dinner
  • Break out my Green Lantern underoo’s and finally become part of the green movement.
  • Learn to clip coupons so I don’t have to continue to use lay-away at Walmart for my groceries.
  • Give Eeyore a gift certificate to a plastic surgeon so he can finally get that pesky tail fixed.
  • Wake up earlier each day–ill just hit snooze 10 times instead of 5.
  • Live life to the fullest then join Weight Watchers.
  • Write a scholarly paper on the effects of 80s sit-coms on the psyche of the American male (ie. Facts of Life, Charles in Charge, Diff’rent Strokes).
  • Finally switch over to Progressive Insurance. My shrink said I am a Scoliodentosaurophobic.
  • I will stop and smell the roses after Hay Fever season is over, I promise…
  • Admit that I drink non-alcoholic beer because I LOVE the taste!
  • Start smoking just so I can carry my cigs like my idol Schneider on the show One Day at a Time.
  • Join the Church of Scientology just so I can hang out with Tom ‘Crazy’ Cruise.
  • Find out what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa and give Geraldo a call during ‘sweeps week’.
  • Hang out in the DMV parking lot with a sign that reads: ‘Will work for your number in line’.
  • Hire Jerry Springer to host the 2017 version of the Newlywed Game.
  • Run every single person off the road that has those stupid stick figure family stickers on their window.
  • Register for a Dry Cleaners convention under the names of George and Weezy Jefferson.
  • Promise myself to read more ONLY after going to Barnes and Noble, taking a few of those cards out of magazines, sending them in AFTER checking the BILL ME LATER box and cancel the subscription after the first issue.
  • Enjoy the finer things in life by watching more Family Guy, YouTube videos, Charlie the Unicorn and Elvira’s Movie Macabre.
  • Take a divorce seminar on the Love Boat.
  • Promise not to check Facebook, Twitter,  AND write a blog on my iPhone during a movie in a theater.
  • Volunteer at the zoo and teach the monkeys how to use cameras.
  • Lead by example by becoming an understudy to Will Ferrell.
  • Finally get around to suing NBC for stealing my company name: ‘The Nerd Herd’ I formed in 1999!
  • Force all of my buddies to watch Oprah’s new network: OWN and then talk about it every day around the water cooler.
  • Visit Fantasy Island and get a new tattoo when I’m there.
  • Attend a parenting seminar with Kate and the Octomom as the hosts.
  • Support Lindsay Lohan’s campaign for President in 2020.
  • Teach my parrot to talk in tongues.
  • Buy my mom a gift certificate to a chiropractor ONLY after I fix my old concrete sidewalk.
  • Promise my wife if we ever have septuplets we won’t name them after the 7 dwarfs
  • DVR every episode of Maury and watch them right before going to bed at night.
  • Buy that special someone in my life a gift certificate to Nancy Grace’s hairstylist.
  • Promise NOT to get caught and if I do make sure that I have Pinocchio as an alibi.